Introduction

A parent penguin with two fluffy infant penguins.

Rampaging Mutant Penguins are very cunning — do not be fooled by their temporay spells of cuteness.

(Image taken from Wikipedia.org.)

First off, you will need to know how to spot a rampaging mutant penguin (RMP). Just remember the following, your average RMP will be:

Once you master the basics, spotting RMPs becomes a lot simpler.

Location

Most RMPs can be found in Antarctica rampaging around the ice packs attacking seals and worrying narwhals. They can occasionally be found in other cold environments, mainly:

However, a craze in the 1970’s for keeping RMPs as pets mean that you could encounter one in your local park or public swimming pool.

Strategy

“What should I do if attacked by an RMP,” I hear you ask. First off, don’t panic! RMPs can smell fear from up to a mile away.

Make yourself look big. You can do this in many ways, but the most proven method is to stand on your tip toes, swing your arms above your head and shout: “Look at me, I’m a big scary monster.” When you have the RMP shaking in his little webbed booties, press the attack. Most weapons are effective, but I would recommend a ripe banana. It really puts the willies up ’em.

Once the RMP has been disabled it is not over. One unexplained ability of the RMP is regeneration. One minute it’s laying on the floor covered in mushy banana, while you gloat about your victory, then bang! It’s crept up behind you and walloped you over the head with a freshly picked marrow. So take care. A world renowned expert has this to say on the subject:

“When you have subdued your frenzied RMP, you have to do the following: Approaching from behind, place both arms around its chest, give it a big old cuddle and say: ‘P-p-p-pick up a penguin!’ Then toss it over your shoulder, like a regimental soldier.”

Prof. I. M. A. Fibber (PhD, GTi, BSE), Antarctic Expeditionary Leader 1991 (deceased)

This has the effect of disabling its regenerative powers for approximately 23 hours 14 minutes and 3 seconds, giving you ample time to run and hide.

Summary

Remember the basics:-

  1. Don’t panic.
  2. Look at me, I'm a big scary monster.
  3. Open a can of banana flavoured whoop ass. (Buy online.)
  4. Give it a cuddle.
  5. P-p-p-pick up a penguin.
  6. Over the shoulder like a regimental soldier.
  7. Run away.